spotted: somewhere in bushwick

Definitely not based on true stories. 

  1. You will avoid having “the talk” at all costs — until an unknown stand-up comedian at UCB asks if the two of you “are together”. It is 11 PM on a Thursday and the audience is six people. Your heart rate is approximately 2,000 beats per minute.
  2. You will eventually have “the talk” and cry walking home from Ave C to Sixth Ave. You will also be wearing a leopard fur coat and it will be raining. Approximate phone call length with long distance best friend: 2 hours, 30 minutes.
  3. The morning after and a Midtown tiki bar.
  4. When in doubt, tequila.
  5. The concept of dating a guitarist from a surf rock band is promising in theory. Both of you will mutually ghost. You will run into him outside a Bushwick thrift store seven months later. Hair update: tragically, still man-bun.
  6. First date idea: watch a documentary about tickling.
  7. Go to an obscure art museum that smells like incense and drips in pink neon. The only piece of art is a photo of a monk. It is 10 PM and there will be pillows on the ground. You will fall asleep for 20 minutes. Your date will be scared to wake you up. Both of you will pretend not to see the couple giving each other massages across the room.
  8. When your date compares you to Ann Perkins, murder him. You are obviously a hybrid of Leslie/Tom/Donna.
  9. You will get stuck inside a gritty LES bar bathroom. You will text your date to get the manager. To this day, door locks will traumatize you.
  10. Scorpios are trained in the art of breaking hearts.
  11. If your date uses the word “snuggle” in non-ironic context, murder him.
  12. It is perfectly acceptable to ask your date’s place and time of birth in order to analyze his natal chart.
  13. The requisite slow wallet reach.
  14. I feel like you have a really cool personal brand” will single-handedly be the hottest thing a boy has ever said to you.
  15. Followed by: “You’d look really cute in a Hawaiian shirt.”
  16. You will go on a double date. His best friend from California will be an excellent kisser.
  17. If he doesn’t eat the pizza crust, abort immediately.
  18. Your date will temporarily abandon you in the name of “I got us free tequila shots from drag queens”. 
  19. First date idea: get drunk at an absinthe speakeasy and reminisce about exes.
  20. Go bar-hopping with your best friend on Valentine’s Day, drown your romantic woes in Cupid’s Juice and be shocked when you don’t ~actually~ don’t cry over a boy.
  21. To live on the edge, date a guy with read receipts.
  22. Let him choose where to go — then conduct extensive research on Yelp to ensure that it meets gentrified Brooklyn standards.
  23. You will share your poetry with him in a dimly lit bar and he will recite his favorite lines the next morning.
  24. Wear a different perfume each time — Spiked Hot Cocoa for the Taurus, Passion Fruit for the Scorpio, Lavender for the Aries, Sex on the Beach for the Leo.
  25. A makeout mixtape consisting of Triathalon and Tame Impala.
  26. Preferred mode of communication with the opposite sex: memes.
  27. Your gravestone will be engraved with the words: “right feelings, wrong time.”



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